Attachments
Hello dear readers! I’ve had a break from writing for various reasons, but I am excited to dive back in and share some of my insights on why we think and behave the way we do.
For a long time, I have been fascinated by the inner worlds of others. Through both studying and interacting with people, I have sought to understand and appreciate what motivates and affects us all - what is universal and what is unique to each individual. Various personality models, counselling modalities and psychological frameworks have really helped me understand myself and others, and I really enjoy breaking these down into something hopefully digestible that I think is applicable to many of us (aka ‘trickle-down therapy’),1 and maybe help build some common language for describing our inner experiences. I have previously written about how understanding of neurodivergence and the autism spectrum have been beneficial for me, but today let's delve into attachment theory.
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Connection with others is a fundamental part of being human. When we enter this world, we're entirely dependent on at least one person for everything, so having an adult who is present and responsive is crucial. When we have a primary caregiver who is attuned to our needs, we can be confident that if we reach out for comfort and care it will readily be given. Over our first few years, as we start to explore the world more independently, that person becomes a safe base from which we can venture further.
But parents come into this gig with their own challenges, and there may be times when they aren't physically present or emotionally engaged with their children. Attachment theory describes the adaptive behavioural strategies many young children develop to keep their caregiver close. These strategies are called insecure attachment styles, and we'll get into them soon.2
As adults, we continue to seek out connections with others, whether in friendships or romantic relationships. The lessons we learned as children about maintaining connection with our caregivers often show up in our adult relationships. Understanding why these behaviours manifest, whether they work or not, and what we need from others to feel secure can be really helpful.3
While it may be tempting to categorise people into boxes of attachment styles, the concept is more fluid than that. I find it more helpful to think of a scale with "secure attachment" on one end and "insecure attachment" on the other. The closer we are to the insecure end, the more we struggle to trust that people will stick around, and the more often we'll use adaptive behaviours we learned in childhood to keep ourselves safe in relationships. Positive, trustworthy relationships can help us move closer to the secure end, while negative experiences may make us more insecure about closeness.4
So, let's dive into these adaptive strategies.
Anxious
Imagine being a small child arriving at a playground with your parent. You toddle off to play, but within a few steps you trip and bang your knee. Hopefully, your parent is keeping an eye out, they hear you start crying, scoop you up, and when you’re feeling ok you’ll head off to play again. But what if they come sometimes, but at other times they don’t, and you’re never sure if you can rely on them to respond to your cries?
I want to keep emphasising that all parents have our own struggles and it's not always possible to be consistently present and attuned to our kids needs, so let's not beat ourselves up about it.5 However, we can observe how kids who experience this repeatedly develop certain strategies to make sure they can get their caregiver's attention and keep them close. Some kids might cling to their parent and avoid playing alone on the playground. They might be preoccupied with getting their caregiver's attention and constantly monitoring their reactions. When upset, they may get loud and struggle to calm down, even showing anger or resentment towards the caregiver. These are the behavioural strategies that fall under the anxious attachment style.
For adults with an anxious attachment style, it can be difficult to trust that others will be there for them. They need a lot of reassurance and validation in their relationships and often find their own emotions overwhelming. They may get upset or angry when they feel like their needs aren't being met or that they aren’t being heard. The lesson they've learned is that they have to work hard to keep people in their lives close, which can lead to feeling resentful that about putting in most of the effort in their relationships.
Avoidant
Some children learn early on that when they cry, instead of drawing the adult they need closer, it creates more distance. They might have been ignored or told not to make a fuss, or perhaps they sense their caregiver's own distress whenever they cry. Regardless of the cause, the lesson they take in is that seeking comfort leads to rejection, and that expressing emotions is inappropriate. As a result, rather than reaching out to a caregiver when they’re upset, the avoidant attachment strategy is to shut down those feelings and become as self-reliant as possible.
For adults who learned to rely on these strategies early on, it can be challenging to access and identify uncomfortable emotions.6 The drive to be seen as strong and capable rather than needy by those close to them can make it difficult for adults with an avoidant attachment style to show vulnerability and express their needs.
Disorganised
Unfortunately, the final type of insecure attachment is not a strategy that effectively kept a child safe and secure. Children who experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect from a primary caregiver often display a mixture of confusing behaviours known as disorganised attachment. Even though they may fear their caregiver, they still crave closeness. As adults, those with disorganised attachment may associate closeness with fear and shame, making it challenging to form healthy relationships. Seeking professional support is usually crucial for healing and developing healthy relationship patterns. I’ll leave further details of this complex attachment type to the experts.
Secure
Most parents want our kids to develop the most secure attachment possible. We want them to know that they can seek comfort and closeness from us when needed and that they'll always receive a response. Being seen, valued, and feeling safe are all essential to this type of attachment. Securely attached adults share this same outlook, viewing themselves as deserving of love and others in their lives as trustworthy and dependable. Even in the face of conflicts, they have confidence that things can be resolved. Their approach to relationships is built on a sense of individual identity and mutual dependence, with a mindset of "I need you and you need me, and that's perfectly okay."
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I often wonder how much of our tendencies toward anxious or avoidant attachment strategies in times of insecurity are innate to our personalities. Reflecting on my own children, who are generally secure and confident in their closest relationships, I recall the different ways they each coped when Andy and I left them with their grandparents for a week while we traveled.7 My son, who was five at the time, was inconsolable for hours after watching our plane depart. He clung to his grandparents and needed constant reassurance while we were gone. According to the grandparents his three year old sister coped much better, not needing any comforting at all. However, I knew otherwise. I had seen the moment at the airport when she really understood that we were leaving. Tears filled her eyes, but rather than crying as we said goodbye, she went very quiet, hiding her distress away. It wasn't until weeks after we returned that she spent an evening crying about us going away, and we were finally able to comfort her.8 These responses point to consistent aspects of their personalities, in that my son is generally more emotionally sensitive and needs more reassurance and help regulating. In contrast, my daughter needs more support with identifying what she is feeling and encouragement about expressing her needs.
As for myself, I’m aware that I tend toward the anxious side of this attachment scale. Fortunately, having a husband who is more secure and relaxed about our relationship means that he is excellent at giving me the reassurance and emotional validation I need to feel safe and connected when my insecurities flare up.
Interestingly, it's really common for a person with an anxious attachment style to pair up with someone who has an avoidant style, leading to inevitable challenges. I am a little bit obsessed with reality TV relationship shows,9 with all the insecurity that must come with counting down to "decision day," and I see this anxious/avoidant dynamic underlying so many conflicts. While regular sessions with a relationship therapist would be helpful for identifying what each partner needs from the other when they're feeling insecure, my all-time favourite source of accessible resources and tips on this is Julie Menanno and her Instagram account The Secure Relationship.10
Have you noticed these different attachment strategies in your own relationships or in those around you? Has learning about attachment given you a greater sense of compassion and understanding for people who might have a different attachment style than yours? I would love to hear your thoughts as you read this.
I love this term, but I’m not sure who to credit for it other than my parasocial mates on the Culture Vulture podcast. Also, parasocial relationships is on my ‘topics to write about’ list!
Attachment theory originates from the work of psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and 60s, but his colleague Mary Ainsworth’s ‘Strange Situation Procedure’ research in 1978 with a group of one year olds and their mothers is where our understanding of different infant attachment styles come from. Really interesting stuff that you can find plenty about online, but this article might be a good start.
The first research into how childhood attachment types might play out in adulthood began in the 1980s, with Hazan and Shaver. There’s been more research and, more recently, popular books about adult attachment since then, with Amir Levine’s ‘Attached’ being a well known title. To be honest, I don’t really recommend this book, as it seemed to be pretty heavily slanted toward anxiously attached partners without a lot of compassion for avoidant attached partner.
Apparently, 60% of people (in America anyway) have a secure attachment type. I can believe that most people are able for form relatively secure connections, but I am pretty skeptical about the idea that these insecure strategies never show up for them.
There are SO many reasons why parents might not be perfectly attuned to their kids, and why some kids are just much more sensitive to that attunement or lack of it. There’s also so much we can do to repair ruptures in relationship that do occur and build secure connection. Another for my future topic list!
Sometimes when you’ve practiced pushing down those feelings for a long time, it’s hard to know where to find them. But it can also make it hard to empathise with others, when you can’t really relate to the emotions they’re experiencing and feel really uncomfortable with seeing them expressed.
Grandparent who know them well, see them regularly, and who I’d had every reason to think they felt really secure with, but still not their primary caregivers.
After the distress of that first day when we left, they actually did both settle in well for the rest of the week and I am super thankful to have family they could safely stay with.
Love Is Blind on Netflix is such a great concept, and 16 seasons in I’m still enjoying the US version of Married at First Sight. If you have only seen the Australian version, this one is way more earnest with way more genuine relationship dynamics to psychoanalyse.
So much admiration and respect for people who find creative ways to make this stuff super accessible. This IG account is well worth checking out.