Over the last few years, I’ve been regularly facilitating workshops on ‘Compassionate Communication’.1 These workshops have come out of the misunderstandings and conflicts that often arise from the difference between what we are thinking, what we say, and how others hear it. Learning about autism sent me into a bit of a self-doubt spiral with this — how could I claim to have any insight to offer if I’m the one with a social communication disability?!2 However, clear communication is something many people struggle with, and perhaps being autistic actually positions me really well to get people thinking about and discussing the ways we communicate.
In 2007, two new terms to describe different ways of communicating began making their way around the internet — ‘Ask Culture’ and ‘Guess Culture’.3 The example given in this online discussion was a distant friend planning to visit the city and wanting to know if they could stay for a few nights.
Ask culture refers to a direct way of communicating. If you have a request for someone, you just ask and allow them to answer, yes or no. If an acquaintance asks to stay, we think about whether we want them to or if it suits us and just tell them yes or no.
Guess culture, on the other hand, describes a much more nuanced way of making requests, where you would only actually ask if you’re fairly certain the answer will be yes. How it generally seems to work is that instead, you test the waters or put out some vague hints in the hope an offer will be made.4 If you do get an offer, you have to work out if it is genuine before you accept it. Succeeding at this ensures nobody is seen as too presumptuous, nobody feels backed into a corner, there are no resentments resulting from the interaction and everyone saves face.5 In our example, directly requesting to stay would be considered inappropriate, but if a friend lets us know they’re planning a trip we might make an offer, which they should probably turn down initially and only accept it if we really push it.
Some countries are known to have an Ask culture, with Germany being a classic example. Others have particularly nuanced approaches to these kinds of negotiations, which apparently foreigners doing business in Japan quickly find out. There’s nothing wrong with either of these approaches themselves as long as they work well, and within a group of people with shared cultural understandings they often do.6 But the cross-cultural awkwardness and potential for offence isn’t just between people from countries with different communication approaches. The shared expectations beneath Guess culture can vary from one family to the next, or from one interaction to the next.7 And then there are the people within a Guessing environment who particularly struggle to read and understand the subtle nuances of the communication style, like most of us autistics.
As a pākeha New Zealander, I’d describe the culture I come from and my family of origin as dedicated Guessers (see the video above!). In fact, just a few weeks ago a guest was referred to as “inviting himself to stay” despite being offered accommodation because he didn’t adequately test the waters when confirming a date. As you might imagine I’ve had plenty of negative feedback on my directness throughout my life, and I work really hard at making requests carefully. But I also observe lots of situations for people of any neurotype where the subtly couched request approach isn’t working very well. I’ve heard from people who want something but will never ask because they can’t find an adequately indirect way to do so, others who are doing things they’ve been asked out of resentful obligation, and misunderstandings are everywhere. What’s more, a lot of the time it seems like people aren’t actually sure what it is they want in the first place or why.
Losing Control
One of the misunderstandings I see between these two communication approaches is a perception of control. Guessers often hear people who make direct requests as being pushy or controlling, because their way of communicating assumes that you’re obliged to say yes to a request (or else to come up with an appropriate excuse).8 The subtle hints that aim to indirectly steer a person towards making an offer could equally be seen as controlling. Language about what someone else “made me” do or about how “I had to” is so commonplace in our culture, and I think we could really benefit from critically reflecting on this a bit more each time it comes up.
There’s this wording that I sometimes find especially helpful when I have a request of my kids but want to make it clear I’m not nagging them or bossing them around: “Would you be willing to…?”9 Which, of course, comes with the understanding and acceptance they might not be willing, and changes the whole relational dynamic significantly.
Understanding that we can say ‘no’ — generally, nobody is actually able to make us do anything — and that we need to accept a ‘no’ if we’re given it is the only way we can let go of the sense that others are controlling us or the desire to control others.
Know Thyself
A major key to effective communication is self-understanding. In my last newsletter, I wrote about identifying our needs, and requests usually come out of a particular unmet need. As in that earlier example, the need might be something obvious like a need for cheap accommodation during their visit to the city. But sometimes it’s harder to nail down, like if this person was really in need of friendship and hoping to reconnect, or needing peace away from a stressful home situation.
Getting to the bottom of what’s going on inside ourselves can be tricky. It’s the main reason why some of us see a therapist regularly throughout our lives. Even short term it can be really helpful to have a professional to talk with about a difficult life situation or relationship, get some understanding of what we’re feeling, and identify those unmet needs.
Ask Away
When we know what it is that we need and how we are hoping the other person can meet that need, we can be really specific in our requests.10 Of course, we can choose whether or not we want to share that much detail with the other person, but if we do it will give a lot more clarity about what it is we’re really after and why it might be a bigger deal for us than it sounds. It gives the other person more context if there are other possible ways they could help to meet the need.
Perhaps the answer for the friend asking to stay is, “No, staying at our house won’t work, but if you’re wanting to connect we could meet for a meal?” And if the answer is just a straight no instead, rather than carrying resentment toward the person who turned down the request, they can return again to that unmet need:
Ouch, that plan didn’t work and I’m understandably feeling bummed. Where else could I try to meet that need for connection and friendship?
I know that learning new ways of communicating is tricky, and always comes at a social risk. Heck, I’ve been trying to navigate a way of communicating that isn’t native to me and experiencing the social cost of getting it wrong my entire life! But more direct, honest, self-aware communication could benefit everyone by giving us ways to work together and ensure everyone's needs are met. I think that’s well worth working towards.
These workshops are based (loosely) on the Nonviolent Communication model.
This whole discussion actually originated from a comment on an Ask Metafilter comment, and there are really good articles on The Guardian, The Atlantic and Medium that go into more detail and discussion. How awesome is the internet?!
Some might call it passive-aggressive. But not me, I wouldn’t dare.
That’s the hope if you really nail it. But you might never know if you have upset someone because they’ll never tell you directly.
Or so I’m told…? I’m trying really hard not to show my bias here!
You can be direct with children, but with adult kids you can’t. Direct might be safe with close friends, but with slightly less close friends you can’t risk it. Strangers = just ask. Colleagues, it depends. Yeah, it’s super fraught.
And then resent having to come up with an excuse, or fear getting caught out in a lie.
This is a classic Nonviolent Communication request approach.
Another plea from me for clarity and not vagueness - I can tell you that “stop being so annoying” doesn’t get me as close to what I want at home when I need peace as “stop making that clicking sound.”
This article made me aware of an apparent double standard I seem to have. I agree generally that we should all work towards having more direct communication with each other so we can minimise misunderstandings, and I like asking questions and having all the info I need about something etc. But when someone makes a direct request of me I'm sometimes uncomfortable!! I find it hard to say no but I'm practicing. I also can find it hard to make direct requests of others if I'm worried about being a burden. It all depends on the social context I think. I'm fine with asking for info but not necessarily with asking for help or to have something etc.
I've been meaning to read Nonviolent Communication for about a decade. 😆